thank you mister know it all

Posted: 09/05/2012 in house of fools, house of music, house of strangers

me and poison apple are settin up our stuff

on the stage at bayou pumpsie’s southern rib palace.

it’s late afternoon. the lights are on and the place is mostly empty

except for this guy at the bar wearin a wife beater and a bill cap.

he got hair in his ears and lots to say.

“what’s a purty little gal like you doin’ in a place like this?’ he say, grinnin like he just thought it up.

cos yankee stadium was booked, you dumb cocksucker, i think, but i’m too much the lady to say.

how come these guys hit forty,

get comfy at a gig in the shipping department at asshat & sons,

and all sudden like, they think god reached down and filled their bald empty domes with all the knowledge and wisdom of the freakin ages?

they start up with “what ya got to understand”

and wind up with

“see what i’m sayin?”

no, dude, you too deep for me,

like a stall ain’t been mucked out for fifty fuckin years.

i’m thinkin, mister, you the kentucky derby of bullshit.

you the super bowl of fuckin stupidity.

you the grand marshall of the talkin-out-your-ass parade.

the guy at the bar sips his beer,

and my ears almost stop bleedin.

then he’s off again, he knows every player on every team in every sport,

but can’t find his dick with both hands and a pack of hound dogs.

he in mid rant when it starts up from the stage–

feedback like jimi hendrix passin a kidney stone.

“oops” i say and

smile quietly to m’self, cos i’m

ever the fuckin lady.


for kerry’s challenge at real toads

  1. w.k. kortas says:

    “the kentucky derby of bullshit”…that is just top-shelf; this is Exhibit A in what voice should be in a poem.

  2. Laurie Kolp says:

    I had to laugh at this… especially – i’m thinkin, mister, you the kentucky derby of bullshit

  3. I’m really doing that LOL thing over here! This is just priceless, and coal’s voice is perfect for the idea of inner monologue. I like the way you told us what the guy was saying, and what others of his type say on a nauseatingly regular basis and then hit us with the private diatribe.

    So, so good, and thoroughly entertaining too.

  4. hedgewitch says:

    I believe, “couldn’t find his ass with a ten man search party” would also apply–but I know–too much the lady to say it. Hilarious, and boy, would some Hendrix acid reflux feedback be useful sometimes.

  5. So hilarious, grinned all the way through it. I love Coal Black, “Ever the fuckin lady”. Hee hee.

  6. Susan says:

    Ha Ha!!!!!!!!! Brilliant!
    Earlier today, I read a similar but more horrific on Facebook (shared by a friend from someone called unwinona at tumbler). It never ends.

  7. Love this! I have met this guy you so aptly described.

  8. Amy Harrison says:

    Heheh I loved this 😀 It is really good and it made me laugh 😀

  9. Helen says:

    Rock on Coal, rock on!!

  10. Mary says:

    Coal Black is one perceptive woman! Way to go.

  11. kateri says:

    “like a stall ain’t been mucked out for fifty fuckin years.”


  12. Herotomost says:

    Ouch….damn, I will be more careful when imparting my wisdom in the bar next time, See what I’m saying darlin’? Its why I mostly hang out at boy bars, better drinks, no macho bullshit and all the drama I can buy for a nickel. The only question I have to answer then is “why do you and your wife hang out here” and dodge a few whiskers….lol. I love that Coal Black voice, rocks my world.

  13. Mama Zen says:

    This is textbook freakin’ accurate!

  14. lolamouse says:

    You’ve obviously been to Southern MD! We have em in droves here! They’re so stupid they couldn’t count to 21 even if they’re nekkid!

  15. Oh, Ms Coal, you are fabulous! I love this. I especially like “you too deep for me, like a stall ain’t been mucked out for fifty fuckin years”!
    I remember taking my apprentice to a newspaper cafeteria while waiting for the press run to start. A salesman my dad knew came in. He wouldn’t have recognized me, but I remembered him from ‘way back, so I said, “See that man? He’s going to come over here, sit down, and ask what two lovely young ladies like us are doing here.” Which, of course, he did, right on cue.
    Some men are the same no matter where you find them, aren’t they?

  16. Oh these guys I can’t stand them, you described him perfectly, you made me laugh…

  17. Teresa says:

    I just love this! It reminds me so much of my days tending bar. 🙂

  18. This was hilarious and sadly–all too true.

    “Asshat…” It’s back.!

  19. Freakin’ awesome!! I love what Coal’s got to say on this topic!! Boy I’d love to see their expressions if they really were hit with that jazz!! Nice!

  20. dani says:

    yes, you are ever the fuckin lady, Coal! ♥

    {i had to google “wife beater.”}

  21. Coal, open that can of WhupAss and let him have it. He is like so many men who used to frequent piano bars when they were in town on business, then try to pick me up because wifey was back home. I used to brush them off by saying, “That’s why God gave you a right hand.” Stopped ’em dead every time!! Thanks for a full-tilt boogie of chortles. I loved it. Amy

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